


unlovable

by DaydreamingFangirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-03-26 16:24:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19009447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamingFangirl/pseuds/DaydreamingFangirl
Summary: Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Fem!ReaderWarnings: None, I don’t think?Bucky hates mornings and just wants to sit in his room all day and forget about what makes him different. Reader tries to help him get out and find some peace and quiet.Originally posted on my tumblr: https://pies-wands-and-more.tumblr.com/post/185214795828/unlovable-pt-1





	1. Chapter 1

_(Gif not mine! Creds the original owner!)_

Bucky hated mornings. He hated them more than nights. At least at night when he was tossing and turning on his too-comfy bed, he could pretend to be doing something else. He spent countless nights on the Internet, searching for all the things he had missed over the years.

But mornings just seemed like one more hurdle he couldn’t jump over. Every morning, he had to drag himself out of bed and feel the brokenness of his body. 

Today was no different. Bucky stared at himself as he brushed his teeth, glaring at the image in front of him. His hair was tossed up into a lazy bun, dark circles under his eyes, bruises decorated his chest like they were paintings on a wall, and his arm… his stupid metal arm.

He sighed as he rubbed it, feeling the cool metal under his fingers. It was a part of him, whether he liked it or not. Some people thought it was pretty cool, like that Spider kid that was always around Tony. He would bounce around Bucky, fascinated by it like it was some brand new toy. Others were scared of him, but Bucky couldn’t tell if that was because of his “Winter Soldier” history or because of the arm.

He had seen interns and workers at Stark Industries would whisper and deliberately go the opposite way if they saw him coming. He knew he had a bitch face, especially when he hadn’t gotten any good sleep, but couldn’t they just not? 

Steve reassured him that people would get used to having him around. But Bucky just wanted to fade into the wall, wanted to go back to Wakanda where, even though people were a bit scared of him, there was peace and quiet outside.

It was so loud here. He hated it. God he hated it. Why couldn’t everything just-

“Bucks?”

…So maybe everything in this time period wasn’t  _that_  bad. Bucky peered out of his bathroom, wiping his face with a clean towel to find (Y/N) standing in his room. 

“Hi!” She grinned up at him, a large folder in her arms. “Did you finish your TV series?” 

Bucky felt his lips tug into a smile small. Most people would’ve asked if he had had a good night, if he had slept well, if he felt comfortable. (Y/N) knew the answer was no to all the above and that he probably spent the whole night online anyways. He gave her a short nod in response, tossing his towel aside and opening his dresser to find a clean shirt.

She gave him a smile, watching him for a moment before turning to the folder in her hands so as to not stare at him as he changed. “So, your schedule is basically clear today except for a few things in town,” (Y/N)’s cheerful voice cut through Bucky’s grumpiness, but he still avoided her eyes.

“In town?” 

(Y/N) smiled, hearing him speak up but not making a big deal out of it. “Well, to be honest, you have the full day off but Steve asked me to keep an eye on you so you weren’t, and these were his words, ‘sulking in his room until he dies from lack of sun exposure’.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes, mentally making a note to punch the idiot later. “I’d rather stay in,” he grumbled, pushing stray hairs from his face.

“If you really want to, I won’t push it. But I will say that I’ve got the day off too and was hoping to go do some errands or just walk around,” she offered. “I’m not leaving until closer to 10, so you can meet me in the hangar if you’d like to join. If not, I’ll bring you a treat from the bakery nearby!”

Bucky watched as she left, the cheery and happy air disappearing from his room. He sighed, looking at the window that tended to always be hidden behind curtains. Maybe it was time to go out. 

* * *

(Y/N) glanced at her watch again, nibbling on her bottom lip. She  _did_  tell him he didn’t have to come, so why would he? She sighed, picking up her disappointment and heading towards the door. Maybe next time.

“I’m not late am I?”

(Y/N) turned to see Bucky in clean clothes and standing in the doorway she was just staring so intently at. “N-No!” She grinned, smiling as he walked over. “I just thought maybe today wasn’t your day.”

He shrugged, looking away from her. “It wasn’t,” he mumbled.

(Y/N) waited for a moment, wondering if he would add more but then happily grabbed onto his metal arm. “Come on then! To the car!” She said excitedly, the grin growing bigger on her face.

Bucky couldn’t help but be surprised by her. Most people stayed as far away from his arm as possible. The rumours about what he did with the prosthetic, the people he hurt… why would she take it so lightly?

“Do you mind if we take my bike? It’d be nice to feel the wind,” Bucky asked as they got to the garage.

(Y/N) glanced nervously at the bike in question, giving a quick nod. Bucky noticed her silence but grabbed the helmets, handing it to her.

“I’ll just…put this on my head…” she murmured to herself, lowering it onto her head. Bucky chuckled as she struggled to strap it under her chin, touching her hand before taking over and doing it for her. “Thanks,” she blushed, avoiding his eyes.

Bucky watched her and smirked, hating Steve slightly for putting him in this situation…but also not hating it completely. He threw a leg over his motorcycle, glancing back at her through his own helmet. “Coming?”

She nodded nervously, climbing on behind him. She felt her heart skip a beat but was unsure if it was due to the nerves or the fact that she had never been this close to Bucky before.

“Hold onto me,” he told her, taking her arms and wrapping them around his waist.

“I’m not making you uncomfortable am I?” She asked, feeling him shift. He shook his head, starting the bike up.

“It’s just been a while since I had a pretty girl with me,” Bucky said before taking off, leaving (Y/N) to wonder if she had really heard him right.

He couldn’t deny he enjoyed her company. He couldn’t even deny he had feelings for her.  _Go for it_ , Steve had egged him on,  _what could go wrong?_

 _Everything_ , Bucky thought to himself. 

* * *

As they got to the bank, (Y/N) was talking to the teller about some forms Tony had her look over. He watched her, saw how she smiled at the people around them. It was different than the smile she gave him, but not  _that_  different, so who’s to say she even liked him?

He huffed as the teller slid his business card over, offering for her to call her anytime. “Thanks, but I’ve been managing Stark Industries financials for a while now, I don’t think I need much help,” she gave him a polite smile, leaving the business card on the table before skipping back to Bucky. “Ready for errand number 2?” She asked, hooking her arm in his.

Bucky couldn’t help but look back at the teller, smirking.

* * *

“What errand could you possibly have here?” Bucky asked. After a long day of traveling around, (Y/N) had brought him to the edge of a forest. The trees were scattered enough for Bucky to see a trail, and in the distance he could hear the sound of water.

“No errand, I just like to come here after a long day,” (Y/N) smiled, taking her helmet off and heading towards the trail. “Coming?” She called back.

Bucky stared, biting his inner cheek slightly.  _God, she’s something_ , he thought to himself. There’s something special about her but Bucky had a hard time putting his finger on it. He had hung out with so many girls in his past life, he thought he’d seen it all. Even in this new life, all the girls he met seemed to be so similar. But… (Y/N). She was something completely different. 

He sighed, putting the helmets away before walking after her. She would look back every so often to make sure he was still there, until they finally reached an open space. Bucky took a deep breath in seeing the view. The lake was bigger than he imagined and they were much higher up from the water than he expected.

“I used to come here when I was in school,” (Y/N) said after a moment of silence. She sat down on the rocks, legs hanging off the slight cliff. “It was a nice way to break away from routine and normal city craziness.”

Bucky nodded, sitting down next to her. For the first time since he came back, he felt like the burden on his shoulders was just slightly lighter. “Why did you bring me here?” He asked after a while, his eyes meeting hers.

(Y/N) paused for a moment, wondering how to phrase it, “I know you’re having a hard time adjusting to life here. I know you’re worried people are scared of you. And I know you hate looking at yourself,” she started, reaching out and putting a hand on his. “I just thought after all the struggle, you could use some peace and happiness.”

Bucky watched her, his thumb grazing over her fingers. “Thank you,” he mumbled out shyly, squeezing her hand gently. 

(Y/N) shrugged, giving him a smile, “It’s nothing-”

“No, I mean it (Y/N). Thank you.” Bucky hesitated, before finding his confidence in the fresh air, “I’ve woken up every day here hating practically every piece of my new life. All I’ve wanted was some peace… and I can’t tell you how happy I am to have some with you.”

(Y/N) felt her cheeks turning pink and immediately looked away from him, “Most of the employees aren’t scared of you, you know,” she mentioned quickly, trying to avoid a subject that made her blush.

Bucky raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, some of the new ones are, but that’s because you sulk and don’t really talk to anyone,” (Y/N) giggled. “Actually, most of them think you’re pretty cute though.”

Bucky let out a laugh, shaking his head. “Despite what Steve might’ve told you, my charming self was left in the past.”

“I don’t think so,” (Y/N) smiled, playing with his fingers gently. “I wouldn’t trade the present you for anything.”

Bucky’s heart swooned and he felt how badly his cheeks were hurting from smiling. He watched as her fingers moved along his, almost entranced by the feeling of her skin against his. He glanced at her lips, finding his thoughts completely captured by the idea of kissing them.

(Y/N) swallowed hard, feeling beyond nervous as Bucky seemed to lean in closer.  _Is he going to kiss me?_ Her heart was beating so quick, she couldn’t think straight. Before she could even process what was happening, she moved in closer, crashing her lips onto his.

Bucky was stunned to feel her make the first move but didn’t deny it. He kissed back passionately, grabbing her waist and pulling her closer to him.  _This has to be what heaven feels like_ , was his last thought before he tried to lift his hand up to touch her cheek.

Suddenly, he snapped back into reality. His eyes shot open and stared at the metal hand pressing against her cheek. He pulled away quickly, eyes darting anywhere but her disappointed and surprised face. 

“Bucky?” (Y/N) tried to catch her breath, any chance of a smile slipping away as she recognized how distraught he looked.

“N-No, this can’t happen.” Bucky shook his head quickly, pushing away from her. “I’m sorry, I can’t.  _Not with you_.” He mumbled, getting up and muttering, “I gotta go,” before quickly rushing back to his motorcycle.

There was a tightness in her chest as (Y/N) sat there, watching. Before she knew it, she heard the distant roar of his motorcycle and felt her heart drop. 

 _Not with you._ The words repeated in her head over and over again. A cool wind blew against her eyes, pulling at the tears she had been trying to blink away. 

There she was, at a place she once considered a second home, alone and heartbroken.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, some dark thoughts courtesy of my own anxiety/demons

 

_(Gif not mine! Creds the original owner!)_

Steve had been out with Sam when he got the phone call. When he picked up, he almost though (Y/N) had called him accidentally. There was silence on the other end, the sound of gentle wind filling his ear.

“Hello?” He repeated himself, Sam shooting him a confused look.

“S-Steve?” (Y/N)’s voice was shaky, something Steve had never heard before.

“(Y/N), you alright?” Steve’s jaw tightened, thinking through millions of possibilities of what could’ve happened. Some extraterrestrial attack? Another HYDRA base come up from hiding? Had Loki decided to cause some more mischief?

“A-Are you able to send someone to get me? I um… I don’t have a way home.” (Y/N) mumbled and Steve immediately thought about any open cases that could’ve targeted her.

“I’m calling the team,” Steve’s ‘Captain America’ voice was turning on with Sam stiffening as he listened. The two of them had turned around from their path, headed back towards the car.

“No!” (Y/N) yelped, sniffling in the background. “Please, I just need to be picked up.”

“Bucky there too?” Steve asked and a small whine escaped from (Y/N)’s lips.

“He’s gone.”

* * *

With how Steve reacted, Sam thought that Bucky had gone rouge again, that HYDRA had somehow turned on the Winter Soldier and all the Avengers were being called in.

He didn’t even care to explain as he pushed Sam into the car and ordered him to drive. They got to a small wooded area and (Y/N) was sitting on a stump, eyes red.

“Where is he?” Sam asked quickly, surveying the area.

“Back at the complex, I assume,” (Y/N) mumbled, tucking hair behind her ear.

“Did he hurt you?” Sam’s eyebrows furrowed, not noticing any obvious wounds as he touched her arm gently.

“W-What?” (Y/N) frowned and looked between the two men standing in front of her. “No, of course not. He just… stormed off. Got on his bike and left me here.” She shrugged, as if the whole encounter hadn’t just shattered her heart and left her feeling empty.

“Bucky just left you here?” Steve’s stern expression got even darker, arms crossed in front of his chest. “I’m sorry, doll, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have asked you to take him into town.”

(Y/N) shook her head quickly, swallowing hard, “Can we just go home please?” She begged softly, tears welling up in her eyes again.

Sam and Steve shared a look before they helped her into the car. When they got home, Sam put a comforting arm around (Y/N)’s shoulder, bringing up to her room with the promise of some hot chocolate.

Steve’s phone rang for a second time that day and he eagerly picked it up seeing Bucky’s name. “Bucky? Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine. (Y/N)’s going to need someone to pick her up though. There’s this little place near-” Bucky sounded defeated, but Steve quickly interrupted,

“We already got her, Bucks.”

There was silence on the line for a moment before Bucky sighed, “Is she okay?”

“You mean besides how raw her eyes are from crying? Yeah she’s fine. You could’ve at least called me earlier. Like right after your stormed off.” Steve pointed out.

“I know.”

“What the hell happened, Bucks? I thought you liked this girl?”

“I know.”

“I thought you wanted her to like you too? I thought she was the only one that made you feel normal, I thought-”

“I  _know_ , Steve! I know! Okay? I fucked up and there’s no repairing it.  **I know**.” Bucky growled, hanging up the call. Steve groaned internally, wondering what the hell was going on. (Y/N) wouldn’t spill and now his best friend wasn’t saying anything either. He walked up from the garage to Bucky’s room, knocking on it gently.

“You going to sit in there and sulk? Or do you want to figure out how to fix this?”

There was complete silence on the other end and Steve almost considered breaking the door open before Bucky slowly opened the door. “I fucked up, Steve,” Bucky murmured. “I  _really_  fucked up this time.”

He walked back to his bed, flopping onto it in despair. Steve watched him with curious eyes, sitting down on the corner of the bed. “You going to tell me what happened?”

Bucky stuffed his face into a pillow for a moment before sitting up and looking at his best friend, “She kissed me.”

The two of them shared a look, both of them having completely different expressions to the sentence. Steve looked almost elated, but also confused, Bucky looking like he had just announced a death sentence.

“A-And that’s bad?” Steve’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he saw the distressed look on Bucky’s face, and his friend looked at him exasperatedly.

“Steve! She  _kissed_  me! She can’t kiss me! Look at me, I’m a fucking mess! I don’t belong in this time period, I can’t even remember shit I did before. I hurt a lot of people, I _killed _a lot of people and I can’t even remember it!” Bucky threw the pillow in his hand across the room, groaning. “I’m not a hero like you, Steve. I’m not the one put on the television with everyone cheering for me. I’m a monster, I’m unlovable.”

* * *

Sam watched as (Y/N) hugged her pillow, her shoulders slumped forward. “Want to talk about it?” He offered gently, putting her cup of hot chocolate on the dresser next to her bed.

“What’s to talk about?” She mumbled in response, glancing at the steaming cup before burying her face back into the pillow.

Sam raised an eyebrow, sitting down in front of her. “How about the fact that you’ve been head over heels with Bucky since he got here, how you’ve been the only person besides Steve to consistently trust him-”

“You trusted him too, Sam,” she pointed out, peeking out from the pillow to look at him.

He shrugged, leaning back on his arms. “I trust Steve. If Steve says he’s good, I’ll believe him. But you trusted Bucky solely because of Bucky.”

“I thought he might like me back,” (Y/N) whispered after a while, reaching for the hot chocolate and letting it warm her hands. “I thought today was going great. He was finally starting to talk to me more.” She groaned, slumping over further. “I shouldn’t have kissed him.”

“You did  _what?”_  Sam’s face lit up into a grin, sipping his hot chocolate to avoid her seeing.

“I  _know_!” She groaned, huffing in frustration. “I just… we were having a moment, and I completely ruined it.”

Sam could feel how badly his eyes wanted to roll. These two were absolutely puppy dog lovesick for each other, he wasn’t sure how else to react. “(Y/N), I think you and Bucky need to talk.”

(Y/N) sighed, looking over at him. “I know, but I’m not quite sure what I’d say.” She was so focused on the idea of wording an apology to Bucky, she couldn’t see the amused look on Sam’s face.

* * *

Bucky was driving himself crazy with trying to figure out a way to word his feelings.

“You know, the Bucky I grew up with could smooth talk his way with every girl he met,” Steve had joked, nudging his friend in the side.

“She’s not like every other girl,” Bucky had muttered back, biting his tongue with how cheesy it sounded.

The soldier paced up and down in his room for a while after Steve left, fists clenching and unclenching as he beat himself up mentally for not being able to word his thoughts right.

“(Y/N), I’m really sorry for being an asshole and leaving you out there. I just like you so much. No wait, that makes no sense,” Bucky thought out loud. “I just didn’t think you could love a monster like me… dammit that sounds so fake.” Head hanging in defeat, Bucky walked towards (Y/N)’s room, deciding that maybe preparing something would come out sounding robotic.

“(Y/N)?” Bucky called after rapping his knuckles along her door. “C-Can we talk?”

There was a quick shuffle behind the door before it opened slowly, (Y/N)’s eyes peering up at him. “Bucky, um hi. Yeah, come on in,” she offered, closing the door behind him.

The two of them sat on her bed, an awkward silence filling the air.

“Bucky-”

“(Y/N)-” They both started, sharing a forced laugh and smile.

“You first,” Bucky decided, twiddling his thumbs together.

“O-Oh okay. Um,” (Y/N) took a deep breath and bit down on her lip. “Listen, I’m really sorry.”

Bucky stared at her for a moment, trying to think of what she could possibly be apologizing for, “Sorry?”

The girl nodded, letting out a breath before continuing, “I thought that today would be really good for you to get out and feel a bit more at home, but I ended up getting caught up in the moment. I haven’t brought anyone else out there and today’s been great, it was so nice out-” She hesitated before continuing, avoiding his eyes. “Kissing you was a  _mistake, an accident_. It won’t happen again, promise.”

If there was a time that Bucky could erase his memories, like how he couldn’t remember what the Winter Soldier did in the past, it would be now. His mouth was suddenly dry, his mind was blank, his chest was hurting like his heart had just been ripped out.  _A mistake_ , he thought to himself,  _she didn’t mean to kiss you. She got caught up in the moment._

Waiting for him to respond was torture. Bucky had a stone cold expression on his face that (Y/N) couldn’t read. Was he angry at her? “I really want us to stay friends, if we ever were that,” she offered softly, looking at him with hopeful eyes.

Bucky almost had to remind himself to breathe, to think, to respond. “Y-Yea of course,” his voice was dry and cracking. He cleared his throat, swallowing down the pain. 

He excused himself quickly, his chest feeling like he was being squeezed in someone’s hand.

Running to his room, Bucky could feel anger and pain boiling up in his body. His flesh fist hit the solid wall next to his bed, breaking a large hole into it. He didn’t even care if he broke a finger or two. He slid down onto the floor, staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours.

 _What could go wrong? What could possibly happen?_  Steve had asked him.

 _This_ , Bucky thought to himself,  _this is exactly what I could’ve avoided._  He his eyes tight and for once, stopped trying to battle his demons, letting them engulf him.  _What kind of girl would want to kiss you anyways? Maybe back in the past, sure. Look at you. You’ve got a metal arm and a broken memory. You killed so many innocent people. Who’s to say you won’t turn again?_

 _I haven’t turned, I’m fine now,_  he argued with himself, his whole body tense.  _She’s always been so nice to me, how could I not fall in love with her?_

 _Maybe she was doing her **job** , maybe Steve asked her to be nice,_ his demon growled from inside, breaking down Bucky’s defenses.  _What kind of girl would want to be with a monster? Surely not (Y/N). She’s perfect meanwhile you’re only alive because Steve convinced people not to kill you. You should be dead._

* * *

(Y/N) sat in her bed, looking at the space that was occupied by Bucky moments ago. He had seemed…almost sad with her apology.  _Could he have actually liked you back?_  She shook her head quickly, dismissing the thought. She knew he was angry, the sound of him hitting a wall echoed through the hallways. Part of her wanted to get up and make sure he was okay. The other part of her was still feeling dejected and unloved.  _Unwanted_. Why was he angry though? (Y/N) curled up into a ball on her bed, trying to think of reasons why today would’ve made him angry. Her brain and heart were arguing, maybe he’s annoyed  _because you ruined a good day for him? Or maybe he likes you and now thinks you rejected him- no couldn’t be that. He probably just wishes you would’ve left him alone today._

She sighed, blinking away the tears as she tore up any little flickers of hope she had left that Bucky may return her feelings. She closed her eyes, trying to let her body rest. Maybe things would go back to normal tomorrow.

Or maybe not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, but besides that none, I think!
> 
> Originally posted on my tumblr:

_(Gif not mine! Creds to the original owner :))_

Bucky woke up the next morning feeling a million times worse than he normally did. He tried to close his eyes again and fall back asleep but the pain surging through his arm was undeniable. He peeked an eye open to find his swollen hand nearby. Probably hadn’t helped that he had fallen asleep on the floor.

He sat up slowly, dreading the idea of it but getting up anyways. He groaned, wincing as he attempted to move his arm.  _Broken. Just another broken thing about you._ He stared at himself in the mirror, then glanced at the hole in the wall. It was larger than he remembered, but then again, all he could remember from last night was the feeling of his heart shattering.

How was he supposed to get out of this? How could he just ignore the heartache happening in his body? Stuck in a cycle of thinking, he dragged himself to the infirmary with his broken hand. 

The doctor who saw him gave him a good scolding, complaining that he and Steve always thought they could just ruin their bodies since they had enhanced healing. 

 _She’s not wrong_ , Bucky thought to himself, staying still as she put a cast on his arm. He watched her for a moment and as she caught his eye, he gave her a smile as if old Bucky was still in there somewhere.

He noticed the slight blush at her cheeks as she dismissed him and Bucky smirked to himself. For a moment, he almost forgot what had happened last night. Was that the cure? Could he really ignore heartbreak by forcing someone else to be the target of his affection? He shrugged the idea away until he remembered what (Y/N) had told him the day before. 

_“Most of the employees aren’t scared of you, you know…_ _I mean, some of the new ones are, but that’s because you sulk and don’t really talk to anyone…Actually, most of them think you’re pretty cute though.”_

Bucky pondered these words as he went back to his room. Could some people actually not be scared of him?

* * *

It wasn’t that (Y/N) thought that everything would fall back together like yesterday had never happened. She knew somethings would be awkward. But she never expected the differences to be such a slap to the face.

She had knocked on Bucky’s door, hoping to clear the air between them and make sure they were okay. Surprisingly, when she opened the door, no one was there. She walked around the complex, finally hearing Bucky’s voice in the gym followed by a group of giggles.

(Y/N) spotted Wanda nearby who looked like she had just finished a sparring session. “What’s going on?” 

“I don’t know. Bucky seems to be offering some of the new agents some training lessons,” Wanda shrugged, glancing between (Y/N) and the scene in front of them. “They are acting like schoolgirls.”

(Y/N) nodded slowly as Wanda left to change, frowning to herself. The angry Bucky that had left her room was much different than this cool, confident Bucky who was showing off his arm to the interns. 

“Morning, (Y/N), how you feeling?” Sam asked from behind her, patting a hand on her shoulder. As his eyes moved to Bucky and the girls, his lips turned into a frown. “What the hell? What’s up with him?”

(Y/N) shrugged, acting as if she wasn’t having trouble breathing. “Guess 1940′s Bucky is back.”

Sam stiffened, hearing the soft sadness in her voice. “Thought you guys were going to talk.”

“I did. I apologized and everything and he seemed to be real mad when he left.”

“You  _apologized?_  For  _what?”_

“I kissed him when he was having a bad day, Sam, he seemed upset! I had to apologize. Told him it was all a mistake and that it shouldn’t have happened.” (Y/N) sighed, starting to turn away from staring at Bucky.

Sam stared at her bewildered. “Hang on. You didn’t tell me you thought you had to apologize to him.”

(Y/N) looked up at him and gave him a small smile, “It’s fine. Seems like yesterday rebooted him or something. He seems happy.” She walked away and as quickly as she disappeared from Sam’s view, her shoulders slumped.  _So much for any hope he liked me back_ , she thought to herself.

Sam stared at Bucky for a little longer, glaring at him from across the room. Bucky finally met his eyes and his smile froze, knowing that Sam knew how much he loved (Y/N). He suddenly felt embarrassed with the group surrounding him. But why? Why should he feel embarrassed? (Y/N) told him it was a mistake and that it shouldn’t happen again. Clearly she didn’t feel the same way about him, so why shouldn’t he move on?

(Y/N) spent the next few days avoiding Bucky. She gave him polite smiles whenever she passed by him, tried to make small talk before wriggling out of the conversation, and was always able to find some excuse to leave the room when he entered with a new girl on his arm.

But today felt more difficult than ever. 

“Where’re you going, Bucks?” Steve had asked, having been sat in the lounge with (Y/N) and Nat watching some TV. Bucky had emerged in a dress shirt and pants, looking like he was all ready for some fancy event.

“I’m bringing Tara out,” Bucky replied with a grin to his friend. “She wants to try some new restaurant in the area.”

(Y/N) stiffened, eyes on the TV. Nat nudged her gently and they shared a look that (Y/N) knew meant ‘Are you okay?’. She gave a small smile in reply, turning back to the TV.

“Have fun, Bucks,” (Y/N) commented, not even bothering to look at him.

He froze hearing her voice. For a moment, he felt his built up wall of fake confidence and happiness crack. “I will,” he responded before disappearing.

“Tara huh? Isn’t she that new girl?” Natasha asked when he left.

Steve nodded and took a glance at (Y/N). “You know he’s just doing it to get over you, right?”

(Y/N) let out a laugh. A genuine laugh. Her sides started to hurt, cheeks started to burn as she giggled at the thought. Steve and Natasha just stared at her like she was crazy. “Bucky Barnes is going out on a  _date_ , Steve. He is clearly happy. How could that ever have anything to do with me?” She gave him a wide smile before turning away, feeling tears building in her eyes. “He wants nothing to do with me. I know that now.”

Steve swallowed, feeling just how hurt she was. He had watched how difficult it was seeing her watch Bucky go through different girls. He knew it wasn’t his place to tell her, but Bucky hadn’t even so much as kissed any of them. He wished he could say how Bucky was feeling for her, but (Y/N) wouldn’t hear him even if he did.

They spent the evening watching stupid cartoons and old kids shows, Steve offering to take (Y/N)’s mind off of things by asking her to update him on things he missed when he went in the ice. Natasha left for bed after a few movies, waving to the two of them as she disappeared to her room. Steve leaned back into the couch, glancing at the girl next to him. He heard the door open and heard the distinct sound of Tara’s giggling. Steve had to hold back a laugh as he watched (Y/N) roll her eyes.

“Hey doll?” Steve commented a bit loudly, hearing Bucky and Tara come closer. “How would you like to go out on a date with me later this weekend?”

(Y/N) looked up, shocked. Her eyes were probably about as wide as Bucky’s and Steve could feel his best friend glaring a hole into the back of his head.

“Oh. My. God.” Tara exclaimed and (Y/N) turned to see Bucky and Tara standing there. “That is so cute. (Y/N) you  _have_  to say yes. You two would be so undeniably cute!” She squealed.

(Y/N) was at a lost for words. She could see the mischievous glint in Steve’s eyes but she glanced over at Bucky and saw a look on his face she had never seen before. It didn’t look so much like anger… annoyance maybe?

“Uh, yeah, sure Steve,” (Y/N) forced a small smile at him and let him intertwine their fingers together. “I’d love to.”

* * *

“What the hell Steve?” Bucky’s loud appearance into Steve’s room didn’t scare him at all. He had been expecting him to be angry, after all. Bucky glared at him, feeling even more angry with Steve’s stupid smile on his face.

“What’s wrong Bucks?”

“Are you shitting me right now? I thought you were the one bugging me to talk to her and what? Now you’re asking her out?”

Steve shrugged, sitting on his bed and putting his hands behind his head. “I mean, you’re always telling me I should go find someone right? Plus she’s cute, she gets my schedule, we spend a lot of time together anyways-”

“Cut the crap, Rogers,” Bucky snarled, breathing heavily. “You’re just being a dick.”

“All I’m doing is trying to help out a friend.”

“I don’t need your help right now-”

“Who said I was talking about you?” Steve raised an eyebrow, sitting up a bit straighter. “(Y/N)’s sick and tired of you bringing out so many girls. I thought maybe it’s time for her to be treated right. (Y/N)’s got a lot of admirers and I, for one, am getting impatient waiting for you to be the one to do it. So if you won’t, I will.”

Bucky stormed out of the room, knowing full well what Steve was doing. He bumped into (Y/N) in the hallway, the two of them immediately turning into awkward messes seeing each other.

“B-Bucky! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you-”

“Sorry (Y/N)-” 

The two of them both flushed, (Y/N) immediately looking away. “I- I um was just going to go see Steve,” She mumbled.

Bucky’s eyes went dark hearing his name, grumbling to himself as she skipped away to his best friend’s room. Of course it would be Steve she liked. No wonder she told him it was a mistake kissing him.  _Why love a monster when you could have a hero?_

(Y/N) stared at Steve for the longest time, trying to figure out the Captain’s plan. “Okay, so last I checked, you and I were like brother and sister right?”

“Yup!” Steve smiled, popping the ‘p’.

“And I for one have never had any interest in you romantically, no offence.”

“None taken.”

“And I’m almost positive that you’ve never thought about me that way,”

“Well you’re cool and all but not really, no.”

“But  _you_  asked  _me_  out on a date.”

“Yup.”

“In front of Bucky.”

“Mhm.”

“Whom you know I’m basically in love with.”

“Yes, yes I did.” Steve grinned to himself, finding it oddly adorable and amusing as (Y/N) paced in his room trying to tie the plot together. 

“What could you possibly get out of this?” (Y/N) asked exasperatedly. “There’s nothing that’s going to happen with me and Bucky, Steve. You  _have_  to see that by now. He’s clearly very happy with Tara.”

“And Michelle, Karen, Stefanie, Crystal-” Steve stared, naming the different interns they had recently seen Bucky being fawned over by. 

“Not the point. My point is, I’m not on that list.” 

“You are the  _only_  one on that list, (Y/N). He’s just real bad at telling you.” Steve shrugged. “I’m just trying to nudge him in the right direction.”

(Y/N) rolled her eyes. This man was as stubborn as he was pure. But was there really anything bad about going out with Captain America? At the very least, she would get to spend an evening with a friend.

* * *

(Y/N) spent the afternoon before her date with Steve in her room, getting ready. She put on some music, dancing around as she tried to look forward to a fun night rather than wallow in her heartache. She was surprised to hear a pounding at her door, glancing at her clock to find that it wasn’t even close to when Steve was going to come get her.

“Steve, we’ve still got 2 hours-” She commented as she opened the door, only to find herself pushed back slightly as Bucky stormed in and slammed the door behind them.

“Why the hell are you going on a date with Steve?” Bucky demanded, looming over her.

(Y/N) blinked, at a loss for words. “S-Sorry?” She wasn’t really sure how to answer.

“You can’t just kiss a guy, tell him it’s a mistake and then go out with his best friend!” Bucky hissed, glaring at her.

(Y/N) frowned tightly, feeling her own sadness turning into anger, “Well why the hell should you care? You’re the one that didn’t want to kiss me in the first place!”

“Who the hell said I didn’t want to kiss you? You were the one that apologized and said it was a  _mistake_!” Bucky snapped back.

“You did!” (Y/N) poked his chest, glaring up at him. “I kissed you and you told me that you couldn’t with  _me_. I apologized because I thought maybe I had ruined your day, I thought maybe you just weren’t ready for something and I had ruined all that trust I built up with you. But then you go and date every single girl in this complex. Why? Cause there’s something wrong with me?” 

Bucky’s anger started to fade into confusion, staring at this gorgeous girl as she fumed in anger. “W-What?”

“You heard me, Barnes! You want to know why I’m going out with Steve? Because he  _fucking asked_. And because the only guy I actually give a shit about is too busy staring at every girl but me.”

“I don’t care about every other girl!” Bucky growled, his metal hand clenching into a fist. “I was trying to protect you!”

(Y/N) stared, watching as Bucky moved away and sat on her bed, head in his hands. “What the hell could you be protecting me from?”

“Me!” Bucky looked up at her and (Y/N) saw how tired he looked. How upset. The anger had faded from his eyes and all she could see was just how broken he seemed. “Ever since I met you, you’ve been the only person to treat me like… a person. Not someone with some weird metal arm. Not some supersoldier. Not some  _monster_. But I  _am_  a monster, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) moved to sit on the bed next to him, touching his arm gently. “James Buchanan Barnes, you are the furthest thing from the monster I’ve seen.”

He let out a laugh, wondering if this girl was as oblivious as that sentence seemed, “I don’t remember all the things I did, doll. And the things that people tell me that I did do? They’re… horrific. What kind of person would I be to do those things?”

“Someone who was under HYDRA’s control. How could you blame yourself for all that stuff?” (Y/N) asked him softly, reaching over and turning his chin so he was looking at her. “Look at me, James. You are not a monster.”

Bucky stared into her eyes for a moment and for that moment, his demons were completely quiet. This angel in front of him had shut them up. “If I turn back-”

“-You won’t,” she insisted.

“ _If_  I do. I can’t put you in harm’s reach, doll. If I hurt you… I couldn’t live with myself. You’re the only good thing I’ve got left. When you kissed me… I felt normal.” He admitted, glancing at her lips for a moment. “But then, seeing this stupid metal hand on you, all I could think about was what if I turn. What if one day I wake up from my Winter Soldier state and you’re scared of me?”

(Y/N) reached over and intertwined her fingers into his metal hand. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say so instead, she leaned her head on his shoulder. “I’ve been head over heels for you ever since Steve brought you home.”

Bucky glanced down, surprised to hear her admitting her feelings. “What?“

“Mhm.” (Y/N) smiled, looking up at him. “I always thought you were interesting. I liked being able to talk to you and even though you didn’t always answer, I knew you were listening.”

Bucky blushed, tilting her chin up gently. “I thought that if I ran away from these feelings, I could keep you safe. You’re the only good thing I have left.” He whispered.

“Don’t you know me? I run right into danger all the time,” she giggled. “I trust you, James.” She stared at his lips for a moment before pulling away suddenly, blushing. “You’ve got Tara,” she pointed out.

Bucky let out a small chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah… about that. Tara and I didn’t work out.” He shrugged. “She says I’m in love with someone else… and she’s not exactly wrong about that.”

(Y/N) raised an eyebrow, smiling shyly, “Oh yeah? Who’s the lucky girl, Barnes?”

“Oh you’re going to make me say it?” He laughed, cheeks pink.

“Mhm. I think you owe me that.”

Bucky smiled shyly, eyes going to their intertwined hands. “There’s this gorgeous girl who works in the complex. She used to start taking care of me just by waking me up in the morning. Then giving me my schedule, giving me recommendations on what to watch when I couldn’t sleep, making sure I got some sunlight,” he started, looking over at her. “Then she brought me out to this gorgeous hidden part of the woods where she made the mistake of kissing me.”

(Y/N) giggled, smiling up at him, “Mistake huh?”

“I mean, those are her words. And maybe it was a mistake on her part, cause now she’s got me falling so fast in love with her, I don’t think I could stop.” Bucky smirked, giving her a cheeky wink.

“Well what say you and I try to find out if it was a mistake or not?” (Y/N) proposed, glancing between his eyes and his lips.

“How do you suggest we do that?”

“Well trial and error right? Guess you’re going to have to kiss me, Mr. Barnes.” (Y/N) whispered along his lips, batting her eyeslashes up at him.

 _Damn this girl_ , Bucky thought to himself, letting his metal hand reach up to her cheek and his lips fall to hers. (Y/N) was sure that this kiss was just as magical as the last, but her heart swooned more. He soon wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her onto his lap. “You’re going to kill me, (Y/N),” he mumbled between kisses.

(Y/N) smirked, giving him another peck on the lips. “Sorry, James, but you can’t die yet. I am still the only girl in this complex who hasn’t gone on a date with you.”

Bucky laughed a little, clearing his throat before calling out, “Hey FRIDAY, can you tell Steve that (Y/N) won’t be joining him for that date tonight?”

“Of course,” FRIDAY replied and (Y/N) looked up at him with a smirk. “Oh really? But I got all ready for going out.”

“Maybe I could take you out instead,” Bucky offered, tucking her hair behind her ear. “If you’ll have me that is.”

(Y/N) giggled, responding with another kiss, the two of them laughing like teenagers.

* * *

“Captain, I’ve been asked to inform you that (Y/N) will not be joining you for a date tonight.” FRIDAY announced in Steve’s room.

The man smirked, leaning against the headboard of his bed as he sat there in sweats. “Oh darn,” he said playfully, glancing at the clock. It was half an hour before the time he was supposed to go get her and he hadn’t even moved from his spot. “Who would’ve guessed?” he mumbled to himself, glad his plan had been successful.

 

* * *

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